On Christmas Day, at the dinner table I found myself making the most pitiful and hesitant attempt to gather my family together with an announcement about prayer. I know and I am sure of my personal connection with God, but in the moment I became unintentionally reluctant to call upon him and openly thank him in front of my family. My brother teased me for the sad attempt I made with my low-tone, almost incomprehensible prayer. Interrupted by him and my own embarrassment, I stopped. I quickly turned to my right, where my mom was standing and asked her to bless the table filled with dishes of baked Mac and cheese, vegetables, ham, oxtail and BBQ chicken. I was embarrassed of how I cowered in the midst of my Brother’s innocent mocking. Most importantly I felt ashamed of myself and ashamed for disappointing God.
Now I’m looking back at Sunday, December 25,2016. Feeling haunted by my lack of bravery, my poor attempt of initiative to gather everyone and openly express my gratitude to God. When did I become such a coward? I call on God in the silence of my mind and speak to God in the loneliness of my room. Yet, here it is I couldn’t even find the courage to announce a simple prayer or orate a simple thank you in front of my family. The family God blessed me with. There’s no shame in praising God or expressing gratitude, so why did I lack courage that day?
Have I become detached from God, that I’m ashamed to call on him in the presence of others? Maybe, I’m just trying to prove to the world that I’m not a pious, religion imposing saint trying to secure my spot in the kingdom of heaven. I’m not overtly Religious. I don’t practice a specific religious belief. I am spiritual, in the sense that I acknowledge the existence of a higher,powerful being. This may seem confusing to some, however, my belief and preference to associate my self with spiritual belief particularly derives from life experiences. Also, believe it or not I was once a Sunday school regular. I don’t ever try to impose my thoughts or beliefs on anyone. I simply, believe what I believe and I encourage others to do the same. Yet, for some reason I lost my voice that day.
I’m sure God wasn’t please with me, and now I’m openly expressing my apology, hoping that he forgives me for being afraid and ashamed about acknowledging his presence in my life.