No Best Friend Zone

Smiling faces, tight hugs and passionately written captions, hashtagged #Bestie #BestBitch #BFF are just daily reminders of where I fall short in life, a best friend.

I’ve never been a certified loner or the extremely introverted weird kid that creepily sits in the back of the class room friendless. while growing up I always welcomed people and established long-lasting friendships. I was basically a friendship¬†connoisseur.

Now, at the height of my 20s, inching towards my mid 20s. I find my self desperately yearning to hold on to friendships, reconnect/mend old friendships that faded for a number of varying reasons (relocation, disconnection, boy drama or disinterest). I look back at my life thinking, I’ve never had to fight this hard just to maintain or establish any friendships. Then again, “things change, people change, feelings change too” (Haha! Thanks for the line Drake-gotta love that guy). I just seem to take things a little harder now, rather than accepting the changes for what they are.

So, yes! I’m one of the very few people in their 20s who lack a ROD, bestie, best fran-yea, yea all that good stuff. I have people I can definitely call on and vice versa, but even those sed close friends have their own set of best friends. Therefore, I’m left at square one. What if in any event the age old hypothetical question which always seems to trip people up and even ruin friendships comes up: If one of us was drowning who would you save first, me or Yolanda? Now the pressure to choose somebody is on and you know you better make the right choice! I hate ultimatums and this one, no matter how petty and immature it may seem usually provides the purest revelation of how that particular “friend” actually feels about you. I can’t really recall a moment where that actually happened, but I can only imagine what it would feel like to be in that situation. Ultimatums, Especially with friends can either make or break friendships.

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“It doesn’t even matter”

It doesn’t matter how good your sex is

It doesn’t matter how strong your head game is

It doesn’t matter when and how much you say you love him and text/call to prove how much you care

Once a man’s interest in you has faded, he’ll be moving on to the next one and you’re left stuck in a place of confusion

You’re left paralyzed by his words, promises and vivid memories replaying in your head, the memories of the good, honeymoon phase. Memories of arguments that were mended by sexual attraction and mutual understanding

You mourn for those days like you mourn for a close relative you’ll never have the chance to see again. 

In my moments that I think of you. I miss every part of you. 

I didn’t think it would hurt this bad, neither was I prepared for the sharp intensity of your words and actions.

Now, I see even my most recent actions don’t phase you. Your mind is set and your heart is fixed, your eyes are looking in a new direction. 

I can’t interfere or alter any of that, so now I’m aware of my state and I have to completely fall back. 

Bitch, sit down. Be selfish!

1. Devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others. (Dictionary.com)

Dear reader,

I’m not trying to offend anyone by citing the dictionary.com definition of selfish. I’m sure you offhand know  what it means or at best are knowledgeable enough to describe it. I just thought for my own sake I’d search for a proper, well worded definition of the famous word. I can’t even lie, I smirked a little after reading the definition and thought to myself, “Yea, this isn’t me.”   

Be selfish: this word and phrase seems to be the recurrent themed advice of my 20s. Almost any adult I’ve confided in so far about the events in my life has repeatedly been advising me to be selfish. But how does one become selfish or learn to master such trait after living a life of generosity?  For most of my life, since I’ve grown to know myself; based on the reminiscent memories my dad shares and my own recollections of childhood, I’ve always shared with others. Barely even thought twice to do it. Yet now, it seems like my days of generosity are catching up to me and left me with the inability to be selfish.  So tell me, how do I acquire this trait, where do I start? Do I need lessons on it? My whole life I’ve always been told it’s important to share, God will reward you for it and people will appreciate your good deeds. I’m neither intending to harp nor am I expecting a personal gold medal or a plaque engraved: Lifetime achievement award of generosity. I’m currently at a cross road now in my life where I need to solely focus on me and my well being without feeling like I need external approval. Also, I’d greatly appreciate if I can happily do things for myself with guilt swooping in ready to kidnap my joy. 

I. Need. To. Be. Selfish 

& in these particular areas of my life to be exact: With my time

My love (Sexual and emotional)

My money 

My ideas 

My talent 

My advice- some ppl are like brick walls, no matter how much you give eventually you’ll see it’s a waste of your time

My style 

My intellectuality 

I’m not sure where to start in this journey of uncovering the myth of ” How to be Selfish. I know THREE places I need to start for sure are time, money and love. 

Love- I have to learn to love myself entirely before I can accept love from someone else.  Having the ability to love myself wholeheartedly  whether or not that person (or people) are in my life. Accepting myself on bad days and still seeing the beautiful  QUEEN in me. Also accepting myself on good days leaving no room for pessimism and negativity to heavily downpour on my sunny days.

 Money- learning to say a firm NO to puppy dog eyes and pleas for financial assistance. Especially since my ass is just as much in need of a little financial boost.  This only deprives me in the long run. 

And finally time- be selfish with my time and stop responding to fuck boys without real agendas, purpose or status of my role in their lives.  I have some changes and adjustments to make. Selfishness, here I come. I hope I take my dosages of selfishness in healthy generous moderation before I abuse it. I wish myself the best. See there’s a start!